i was cutting out pieces of cardboard.. playing with a penknife and remembered my awful mistakes in the past.

i remembered that

pastor was right. your heart would never be 100% the same once you have started something with someone. bgr. a part of me has been taken. i'm no longer intact, complete, 100%. and i regret, regret with every drop of blood in me for letting someone take that part of me with him.

i was and still am young, naive and foolish. thinking that i was and am old enough to do whatever 18 year olds do. had the thinking that a young girl of 15 years is capable of handling all obstacles of life, big or small, wide or narrow.

i do not know whether if he feels the same. and i do not expect him to read this. time doesn't heal the wound but only leaves a superficial scap to cover its ugly sight. and from time to time, with a bit of harshness from life, the scap comes off and embraces the cold strong wind to beat against the fresh, open wound. the sort of pain that seems so familiar to me and i will continue to live with this pain until the day he comes back from wherever he is to return that part of me he took along with him. but sad to say, reality smacks you hard in the face when you least expect it, causing you to wake up from dreams and fantasies that would make fairy tales look like a bad joke. i doubt he'll come back. childhood lovers only happen in storybooks i suppose.

no, i need not of a replacement really. cause i see no point in starting something that will, definitely will end very very soon. i do not want to hide behind my parents back. i think i can stand on my own two feet and if i were to trip over a boulder the size of Komtar, i know that i have the friend who will help me up and try to kick that boulder to mars to avenge my fall. i thank you edddd, for helping me 'till today, even when i feel like crawling back to him, on my knees, scrapping all the scap of my knees, you hold me by the belt pulling me away from that frivolous desire.

despite all my regret and hurt, i am not saying that he is the cause of it. I am the cause of it. my childish innocence and arrogance was the cause of it. I am the monster. The one cruel enough to break him, piece by piece and putting on a facade for the entire world to see that i am not affected by it at all.

momma, if you're reading this, please have the reassurance that your daughter will always look to you whenever i fall this bad ever again. and ed, thank you for being with me when hell seemed to be the most compelling place to be when in such gloom.

i hope he comes back.
Joleneee <3